I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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