dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Porn is love you can see.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
