Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
