last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
