shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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