fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
