Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
