If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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