Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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