did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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