are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
