Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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