opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
vagina is talking i cant
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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