We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
