i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
