Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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