I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
