You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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