If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
