my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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