FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's like heaven, but drunker
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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