Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Pants are for mortals
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
