I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
