Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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