God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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