So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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