my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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