mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
