You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
