i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
