So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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