my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
