wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
True strength comes from lack of pants
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
