We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
