The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She announced her abortion via fbk
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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