1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
