If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
