is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
