T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
