Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
