Swine flu. Run for my life!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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