I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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