If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
