someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
