I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
