The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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