All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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