I accidentally had phone sex last night
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The uberlube is also flammable
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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