The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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