Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
