Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he puts the penis in happiness.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
